It's Better This Way

I'm a long-time hater of the comic strip "Garfield". It might have something to do with the fact that I grew up on a street called Garfield Street and have spent most of my life saying, "Yes. Garfield Street. Yes. Like the cat." But I suspect that it mostly stems from the fact that the comic strip is stupid.

This week I discovered Garfield Minus Garfield. Somebody took the Garfield comic strip and erased all signs of Garfield from it. It turns out the resulting comic strip, which revolves around a lonely, desperate, mentally ill Jon Arbuckle, is at once insightful, disturbing and hilarious. Please enjoy a few of my favorites.





JEM

Sonnenschein

For a few days this week, on and off, there has been a very bright ball of light in the sky. The light comes in all the windows and makes the apartment warm. I've heard the natives call it "Sonnenschein". When I go outside the light is so bright that it makes me squint and is so warm that I have to unzip my coat. It's making my brain release these chemicals into my body that give me a strange sensation. I think the doctor called it "happiness".



JEM

Guns

I've been hired by a Korean scientist to sit across from him in the Max Planck Institute cafeteria twice a week for two hours at a time and talk to him.

I know. It sounds weird. Like friendship prostitution or something. But he'll likely be moving with his family to the United States in a few months and he wants to practice his English with a native speaker before he lands on American dirt. He wants me to listen to him and correct his mistakes and talk to him about American life and culture. But the most important thing is that we just talk so he can practice.

We met for the first time on Tuesday and talked about everything from the presidential election to his kids. Near the end of the two hours, I started scrambling a bit for material and brought up last week's shooting at Northern Illinois University. He told me, yes, he'd heard about that, and that he had a question for me regarding this.

"Why," he said, "can people have guns?"

He's not the only person thinking this. Most of Asia and all of Europe share his sentiment. Why on earth would a civilized country allow its ordinary citizens to walk around wielding weapons of death? Are they not bothered by the idea that the creepy person at the convenience store checkout can legally have a pistol in their back pocket?

It's a fair question.

I, personally, am not a big gun person. My immediate family members are not hunters. I didn't really grow up with guns the way many of my Idaho classmates did. But I have handled them. I've shot a .22 before and a 12-gauge on several occasions (and woken up the next morning with a bruised shoulder as proof of my poor form). I enjoy it. It's fun shattering clay pigeons and hitting targets. And I'm going to be totally honest with you. Popping the smoking spent shell out of a shotgun makes me feel like a total badass.

Me and a gun

But it also scares the bejeebies out of me.

I get the shakes a little bit every time I touch a gun. What if my finger slips? What if something distracts me? Or (the worst question of all) what if I just have one, tiny split-second lapse of judgment? Then what?

And so I've always been a little non-committal when it comes to the Great Second Amendment Debate. But I decided, for these purposes, I would start with the basics.

I explained to the Korean scientist what the Second Amendment is and who put it there. He'd never heard of the Second Amendment. I explained the word "militia" and I told him that the men who drafted the Bill of Rights felt that it was crucial that the American people be able to organize themselves into a citizen army and take up arms against their government in the event of irreversible corruption at its highest levels.

As I was speaking, I recalled an account I'd read recently about Dresden under Nazi rule that occurred relatively early on in the Nazi party's rise to ... whatever it was they eventually rose to.

On Nov. 9, 1938, the Nazis hosted a nationwide shindig that would be known later as the Night of Broken Glass. Basically, they marched into every Jewish-owned business in the country and smashed everything in them.

At this time, Dresden had a pretty small Jewish population, but despite this, was home to Germany's largest and, by many accounts, most beautiful synagogue. Most Dresdners, including those who prescribed to the Nazi party's anti-Semitic sentiments, loved this building. It added interest to the cultured city's gorgeous skyline and Dresdners have always felt that aesthetic is important.

Not surprisingly, the Nazis did not carry the same soft spot for Dresden's synagogue, and on the Night of Broken Glass, they doused the building in gasoline and torched it. Dresden's fire brigade rushed to the scene in full force, including a fire boat on the nearby Elbe River, to try to save what it could of the beloved building. But the Nazi soldiers blocked them and forbade them from extinguishing the fire. The fire trucks and fire boat sat unused as the residents helplessly watched the synagogue burn. Occasionally an onlooker would voice disapproval of the situation and be hauled away by SS thugs.

The story is indicative, I think, of most German citizens' relationship with the Nazi party. People wonder how something so evil could ever rise to power, but the citizens were completely helpless against it. They had their hands tied behind their back and a luger pointed at their collective head.

And I thought, as I explained to the Korean scientist the meaning of "militia", how things might have been different if the citizens of Germany in the 1930s had had access to guns.

It's possible, I thought to myself, that World War II could have been prevented.

And I realized at that moment that I believe, rather vehemently, in the Second Amendment.

It feels kind of weird.



JEM

The Shocking Truth

A Greek girl who works with Jake asked him the other day, "So, is it true that Americans are grossed out by the idea of eating octopus?"

He told her that there are probably some people living in the United States who like eating octopus, but that by and large, yes, Americans are grossed out by the idea of eating octopus.

"Really?" she said, shocked. "I thought that was just an urban legend."



JEM

Looking Forward to Meeting You

About a year ago, while visiting Jake's parents, my father-in-law pulled an old, thick photo album from the closet. He laid it on the coffee table in front of me and flipped to a portrait of a raven-haired, ruby-lipped knockout. "Doesn't she look like a movie star?" he said. I said that she did.

He said he wished so badly that I could've known her, that beautiful, poised woman with a sharp wit and a gentle disposition who threw elegant parties and created stunning meals. That woman who could walk into a crowded room and quietly, without even trying, take everyone's collective breath away.

I would've loved her, he said.

I did love her, I said. I had known his mother for nearly five years. I had sat with her dozens of times. Held hands with her. Talked with her. I knew the stories she loved to tell. I had been surprised and delighted by her clever quips and flattered by her heartfelt compliments.

But I knew what my father-in-law was trying to say.

By the time I joined their family, his mother had begun to change. She repeated herself and forgot things and occasionally couldn't distinguish reality from her own imagination. Over the five years since I had met her, she had been exponentially disintegrating. She was still his mother, and yet, she was not.

She passed away on Sunday. And of all of the emotions I've felt after hearing the news, the one I can't seem to shake is this feeling of nervous excitement. I think it has something to do with knowing that someday, when I join those ranks on the other side, I'll have an excuse to approach this raven-haired knockout and introduce myself.

Because I just know I'm going to love her.



JEM

As I Lay Dying

I have a cold.

And while the results of my research are pending, I am convinced it is among the top five worst colds ever to be had by human beings. In light of this, and as my short life flashes before my bleary eyes, I wish to share some thoughts and requests with my beloved readers.

1. Humanity today is plagued with many great and horrific troubles. None is more worth mankind's concern than that of the quest to eradicate the phrase "let's agree to disagree" from the Earth's collective consciousness.

2. I feel a life is defined by the questions one asks oneself. Asking questions such as "Who am I?" and "What is holding me back?" will make us stronger and more sure of our paths. Most of the questions I have asked myself have regarded my current, past and future hairstyles. And these questions have helped me greatly. But no question has provoked more thoughtful introspection and meditation than this: "Who is cooler, Steve McQueen or Paul Newman?"

Steve

Paul

3. All of America's, and consequently, the world's problems would be solved if Jean-Luc Picard and Will Riker were running things. And I'm not the only person who thinks so.



4. My parents have taught me many wonderful things. But the teachings I plan to carry with me into the next life are these: A woman owes it to the people who must look at her to manage her facial peach fuzz (Mom); and the greatest rock 'n' roll scream of all time is at the end of the organ solo in the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" (Dad).


5. Finally, in lieu of flowers, I would request that mourners and well-wishers make a donation to the bank account of my grieving widower.


Goodbye, cruel world. I hardly knew thee.



JEM

Anniversary

Sixty-three years ago Allies turned Dresden into a firestorm. And after the smoke cleared, this was what remained:

Learn more about what happened in Dresden the night of Feb. 13, 1945, here.



JEM

Failed FIELDTRIP! to the Altstadt

In response to criticisms that I haven't been getting out enough, I would like to let all of you know that this morning I spent a good two hours wandering in the Altstadt, the gorgeous historic section of the city, taking photographs. My intention was to take my readers on a fascinating fieldtrip to memorialize the 63rd anniversary of the firebombing of Dresden, which will be tomorrow. I took 90 pictures.

And they all looked like garbage.

The sky was white/gray with absolutely no distinct lightsource and all the beauty of the sculptures and architecture was muddied up and muted. And there's no way I'm going to let that be your first impression of this amazing section of the city. So I guess you'll just have to wait until spring.

And in the meantime I don't want nobody sayin' I don't try to take 'em nowhere.



JEM

And That's How Pillows Get Made!

Every Thursday I leave behind my hermit existence and walk two blocks to a neighborhood kindergarten, which is different from the kindergarten you attended when you were 5. Kindergartens here are more like daycares or preschools. They're for kids 5 years old and under — they even have groups for infants. And kids go there every weekday all day, even if they have a stay-at-home parent or guardian (it's not as long for kids under 3). Germans feel it's really important for kids to be socialized with other kids starting very early on. In fact, they find it weird and a little shocking that many American kids stay home with Mom until they start school at 5. They see it as hindering a child's social development. (As a never-daycared, never-preschooled kid I take issue with this, but that's beside the point.)

At any rate, I got hooked up with this kindergarten group through a really cool young mom in my ward. Turns out the parents of the kids in this group expressed an interest in having a native English speaker come in sometimes and just hang out and talk to the kids in English so they can hear how it's supposed to sound. I apparently fit the bill and was invited by the two teachers of this kindergarten group of about 20 kids between 3 and 5 years old to come along every Thursday when they go on their weekly outings. I've been doing this for a couple of months now. We usually go on walks to different playgrounds in the neighborhood. But last Thursday we went to a pillow factory owned by the grandpa of one of the kindergarten kids. And it was AWESOME!



Germans, for some reason, use gigantic pillows, as you can see here. These aren't specialty pillows, these are normal, standard bed pillows. You almost can't find pillows in any other size. And they are almost exclusively feather-filled. But I'm not complaining. I love them. It's like sleeping on a cloud.

I also thought this video would be a prime opportunity to teach my readers a few German vocabulary words!

Kissen: pillow
Kopfkissen: literally "head pillow", but used interchangeably with "Kissen"
Feder (fay'-der): feather
weich (vykh): soft

Pronunciation tip: The "ch" sound in German is sort of a mixture of a "k" sound and a "sh" sound. Kind of like making a "sh" sound while wearing a brand new retainer.

Now you will understand about as much of this tour as I did.



JEM

P.S. You may be wondering why Weird Al accompanied us on the tour. That's not really Weird Al, that's one of the kindergarten teachers.