Schwangergate

Several hours ago, a comment was left on this blog by my sister-in-law suggesting that a particularly newsworthy, and as yet unreported, event had occurred. After much debate among the editorial board at American Dresdner over whether members were willing to risk the blog's reputation via a Watergate-level coverup, it was decided that a more prudent choice would be to own up to rumors and heresay in an effort to maintain this publication's flawless PR record.

With that, I hereby announce that I am, indeed, as reports have indicated, schwanger.


I will now field a few questions from the gathered press corps.



JEM

Germany Isn't Scary (Anymore): Meeting Germans Is Easy

I've been slacking off. My parents will be here in two weeks and this tutorial series intended to calm their nerves still has a LOT of ground to cover. So, buckle up. We're going to be busy.

In this, the second installment of "Germany Isn't Scary (Anymore)", we will discuss the delicate art of German manners.

Let's shake hands
First and foremost, know that Germans are obsessed with shaking hands. We, as Americans, put a lot of weight on a good handshake, but we have nothing on Germans when it comes to the sheer quantity of handshaking that goes on in a perfectly ordinary day.

Unlike Americans, who really only shake hands at first introductions or important meetings or as a form of congratulations, Germans shake hands for these occasions and also with every hello and every goodbye.

And in social situations, like at a party or at church, this greeting and farewell ritual is performed with every last person you pass so that, ideally, by the end of the event, everyone has shaken everyone else's hand twice. Also unlike Americans, the handshake is performed completely sans small talk. Germans hate small talk. They are a remarkably pragmatic folk, and small talk, for them, serves no real practical purpose. A handshake paired with and a "Guten Tag" or "Hallo" suffices for the greeting, and, paired with an "Auf Wiedersehen", "Tschüss" (like "See you later"), or "Schönen Tag noch" (Have a nice rest of your day), suffices for the farewell.

I still find it interesting and amusing when I see two small groups of Germans meeting up for an outing at a bus stop. No matter what the median age of the group is, whether it's 15 or 75, they always perform this complicated little ritual of everyone shaking hands with everyone else.

It's also considered polite, when shaking hands with a couple, to shake the woman's hand first. Men, especially, tend to make an effort with this one, sometimes leaving the man's hand totally hanging there in order to go for the woman's hand first.

Have we mastered the German handshaking phenomenon? No. Not even close. In fact, it makes me kind of uncomfortable since I'm still programmed to accompany a handshake with some small talk. If I'm not prepared to offer small talk, I don't usually offer to instigate a handshake, which is probably considered rude. But I'm learning. I also like to be just a few minutes late to choir practice on Sunday mornings so they will have already started and I don't feel obligated to rake through everyone there. But I tell you this so you're prepared for the barrage of handshakes you will experience when you come to church with us.

Hug me
Contrary to stereotype, Germans, especially German women, are pretty big huggers. These hugs will usually accompany the hello/goodbye handshake if they're feeling particularly affectionate toward you. (I'm sure you'll get a few when you come to church with us. Our friends are pretty excited to meet you.) Hugs seem to be usually woman to woman or woman to man, and the man to man hug happens, but it's more rare. This all isn't particularly unusual, but the way they hug is a little different, and that's why I bring it up.

First, a German hug usually starts as a handshake, then one party will pull the other in and, while still holding right hands, they will embrace with their left arms. And whereas Americans, who, when engaged in a platonic embrace, tend to protect their heads and avoid any sort of face to face contact, Germans always touch cheeks when they hug, usually right cheeks. The cheek touch is more the focus of the hug that the arms or body contact. The first time this happened to me I was sort of surprised, but it's actually a very pleasant experience as Germans tend to have nice cheeks.

Lose the shoes
I doubt we'll be guests in any German homes while you're here, but just in case, Germans ALWAYS remove their shoes before entering their own homes and it is expected that guests do the same. Sometimes they offer you slippers to wear called "Hausschuhe" (house shoes), but sometimes they don't, so it's a good idea, especially if it's cooler out, or if the home isn't carpeted, to wear warm socks.

And don't worry, Mom, I know you have weak arches and permafrost feet, so shoe wearing is completely permitted at our place. We're kind of like the American embassy that way.

Next up in the series: A simple survivor's guide to the German language. Stay tuned.



JEM

I Think I'm Turning Germanese

I'm getting Germaner by the minute. Case in point: This morning I was a wild, shaggy-headed Yank ...


But now I'm a sleek and sexy fräulein.


Now, vehr deed I poot my blahck turtleneck und vire-rimmed glahsses? Oh, dat's right. I don't haf dees sings. I moost now make schohpping. Auf wiedersehen.



JEM

The Beard

American Dresdner: So, you have a beard now.
Jake J. Michaelson: Yes.
AD: How long has this been going on?
JJM: Since the writer's strike.
AD: That's over. You heard about that, right?
JJM: They didn't meet my demands.
AD: How's a beard supposed to help the situation anyway?
JJM: It's an outward token of my inner rage.
AD: You're not even a writer.
JJM: (shifty-eyed silence)
AD: This is your first beard, isn't it?
JJM: Yes it is.
AD: Has it been a positive experience?
JJM: It has exceeded all my expectations.
AD: How long did it take you to get it to a satisfactory length?
JJM: About a month and a half.
AD: Tell me a little about beard maintenance.
JJM: A lot more effort is required than I had anticipated. I have to trim it every few days to keep myself from looking like Sylvester the cat. If if weren't for my job, I'd probably have to trim more frequently, but I just sit there trying to solve problems and pull out hairs. It's a distraction for my fingers.
AD: What are the benefits of beard-hood?
JJM: No. 1 is hiding double chin. Looking older and more intimidating. Fewer zits. Warms face. Aids tickling of wife.
AD: Do you have any beard heroes?
JJM: Will Riker


U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke


John the Baptist


AD: Will you be bearded forever?
JJM: No. I will shave it off once I can go a whole week without wearing a coat.
AD: And once the writers' demands have been met in full.
JJM: Yes.
AD: But the beard will be a recurring character in the life of Jake?
JJM: Yes.
AD: Are there any tips you would offer readers pondering beard ownership?
JJM: You have to consider that at first there's definitely an awkward stage you have to go through. It's a very humbling time.
AD: Would you say this period is longer for blonder men?
JJM: Yes, definitely.
AD: Anything else to consider?
JJM: It's also important to consider how long you plan on keeping the beard because if you have one of those monkey faces and you keep the beard for a long time you could shock a lot of people when you shave it off. Luckily, I don't have a monkey face.
AD: So you're saying ugly people should either never grow a beard, or just keep one permanently.
JJM: That is exactly what I'm saying.
AD: Be honest. Are you afraid of what your face will look like when you shave?
JJM: Yes. There's going to be a lot of pink, fleshy skin underneath. I've also gotten used to not having to look at my double chin.
AD: If women could grow beards, and it was socially acceptable, do you think you could find a bearded woman attractive?
JJM: No.
AD: Is there any must-reading you'd recommend to current or potential beardies?
JJM: Well, I'm glad that you asked. There's a great support group over at the Beard Board.

It provided me with the assurance that there were other men out there facing the same battles I was. Men who wake up everyday and look in the mirror and have to decide if they can go on.
AD: Thanks for your time. Everyone here at American Dresdner commends you for your courage and endurance.
JJM: Thank you.

Germany Isn't Scary (Anymore): Opening the Window

These are my parents.


In one month they will make the arduous journey from Idaho to Germany to see us. Neither of them have ever left the continental United States, and they're pretty nervous. So, in an effort to quell their anxiety, AD is introducing a sporadic month-long series titled: "Germany Isn't Scary (Anymore)". In this series we will do tutorials on and learn about some of the ins and outs of German life that my parents will likely encounter during their stay.

For our first lesson, we will learn about German windows, which Americans, including myself, always find weird. Here is our living room window, which I will use as an example.


You'll notice it's large, that it's one piece and that it has no screen. It obviously doesn't slide open like American windows. But the apartment's getting stuffy, and you need some fresh air. And fast! Before haphazardly attacking hinges and handles, which will likely result in the window falling off its hinges all together (believe me, I've done it), take a deep breath and remember the following tutorial.

First of all, know that are two ways to open a German window. You can tip it open, like this:


Or you can open it all the way, like this:


Modern German windows are relatively easy to work — you twist the handle so that it's horizontal to open the window all the way and vertically upside-down to tip the window.

But our windows are vintage German Democratic Republic (read: junk) and so it's a little more complicated.

Let's look at the moving parts. First we have the handle.


Next, you'll notice the levers on the two hinges, one along the bottom of the window ...


and the other along the right edge of the window.


The first rule is NEVER EVER EVER open both levers at once. As previously mentioned, the window will fall off.

To tip the window, flip up the the lever on the RIGHT EDGE of the window only. (It's a good idea to check the bottom lever and make sure it is securely closed.)


Then grip and pull up on the handle.


The top of the window will pop out and settle into a perfect tip (see above).

If you want to open the window all the way, simply reverse the levers in the process. Flip open the BOTTOM lever only, making sure the right lever is secure.


Then pull up on the handle, as previously explained, and voila. You are at once one with nature and fully equipped to spit on unsuspecting passers-by.

The end.



JEM

Facelift

Our living room wall before ...


... and after ...


Thanks for your input. You convinced me.



JEM

Poll: How Do You Do?

So I notice that in the English book I am required to teach from, it says that the correct and polite response to the question "How do you do?" is "How do you do?"

Did I miss something? Doesn't "How do you do?" mean the same thing as "How are you doing?" Isn't the response "fine" or "very well"? I tell the students that I think the book is mistaken, that I have never heard someone respond like that, and of course, one of the students disagrees with me. I am wrong and the book is right. I say I'm sorry, but all I have to go on is 24 years of BEING AN AMERICAN.

And then I consider telling them that the only people who say "How do you do?" anyway are limp-wristed tea-party goers and that saying it can, in some American cities, get you killed. But I don't. They'll have to learn that the hard way.

So now you tell me, what is the correct response to "How do you do?" Together we will settle this once and for all.



JEM