Germany Isn't Scary (Anymore): German Crash Course

Before this blog was so rudely interrupted by my pregnancy announcement, I promised I would post some basic German phrases for my folks who will be here on Friday — and for anyone else with plans to visit us here in the next two and a half years. (Which I would recommend. We just got a futon.)

First, let's go over some basic pronunciation. One of the most important things to remember is that the letter W is always pronounced like a V and the letter V is always pronounced like the letter F. (F, as it turns out, is still F. But before you start bawling about it, allow me to remind you of the useless letter C.)

Please don't panic if you see this: ß. All it means is SS. So it just gets a soft S sound. Otherwise, most stand-alone S's sound like Z's.

And you know in English how I's and E's get arbitrarily swapped around in words that sound the same, like "weird" and "pier"? You never have to worry about that confusion in German. There are a lot of IE combinations in German, but the sound always goes with the second letter. For example, one word for "the" in German is "die". But it's not die, like dead, it's dee. And the word "leider" is pronounced "lyder". (That means sadly, by the way.)

Also, when a word starts with ST, like Straße, the word for street, it's given a "sht..." sound, so Straße is "shtrahsseh".

Oh yeah, and Z's sound like TS, as in Nazi. But we've all learned that one.

OK. Onto the fun stuff. Here are some words you're likely to use.

Guten Tag (goo-ten tahg): formal hello
Hallo: hi
Auf Wiedersehen (owf veed-er-zay-en): formal goodbye
Tschüss (chooss ... sort of. ¨'s make things a little weird, but I can't explain it in text.): casual goodbye
Danke (don-keh): thank you
Danke schön (shoon): thanks a lot
Vielen Dank (feel-in donk): many thanks
Bitte (bit-eh): please AND you're welcome AND here you are, as in when you give somebody something. Your all-purpose magic word.
Entschuldigung (ent-shool-dee-goong): excuse me

Now some handy phrases, just in case.

Wo ist die Toilette? (voh isst dee toy-lett-eh?): Where is the bathroom?
Wir sind Jasmines Eltern. (veer zint Jasmine's el-turn): We are Jasmine's parents.
Wir können nicht Deutsch. (veer koohn-en nikht doych): We can't speak German.
Können Sie English? (koohn-en zee ang-lish): Can you speak English?
Wir kommen aus Amerika. (veer kohm-en owss a-mer-eek-a) We're from America.
Was kostet das? (vahss kohst-et dahss): What does that/this cost?
Wie viel? (vee feel): How much?

That's enough for one session, I think. Good luck with the packing, Mom and Dad, and have a fun flight! We can't wait to see you! Bis dann! (biss dahn): Until then!



JEM

Germany Isn't Scary (Anymore): Meeting Germans Is Easy

I've been slacking off. My parents will be here in two weeks and this tutorial series intended to calm their nerves still has a LOT of ground to cover. So, buckle up. We're going to be busy.

In this, the second installment of "Germany Isn't Scary (Anymore)", we will discuss the delicate art of German manners.

Let's shake hands
First and foremost, know that Germans are obsessed with shaking hands. We, as Americans, put a lot of weight on a good handshake, but we have nothing on Germans when it comes to the sheer quantity of handshaking that goes on in a perfectly ordinary day.

Unlike Americans, who really only shake hands at first introductions or important meetings or as a form of congratulations, Germans shake hands for these occasions and also with every hello and every goodbye.

And in social situations, like at a party or at church, this greeting and farewell ritual is performed with every last person you pass so that, ideally, by the end of the event, everyone has shaken everyone else's hand twice. Also unlike Americans, the handshake is performed completely sans small talk. Germans hate small talk. They are a remarkably pragmatic folk, and small talk, for them, serves no real practical purpose. A handshake paired with and a "Guten Tag" or "Hallo" suffices for the greeting, and, paired with an "Auf Wiedersehen", "Tschüss" (like "See you later"), or "Schönen Tag noch" (Have a nice rest of your day), suffices for the farewell.

I still find it interesting and amusing when I see two small groups of Germans meeting up for an outing at a bus stop. No matter what the median age of the group is, whether it's 15 or 75, they always perform this complicated little ritual of everyone shaking hands with everyone else.

It's also considered polite, when shaking hands with a couple, to shake the woman's hand first. Men, especially, tend to make an effort with this one, sometimes leaving the man's hand totally hanging there in order to go for the woman's hand first.

Have we mastered the German handshaking phenomenon? No. Not even close. In fact, it makes me kind of uncomfortable since I'm still programmed to accompany a handshake with some small talk. If I'm not prepared to offer small talk, I don't usually offer to instigate a handshake, which is probably considered rude. But I'm learning. I also like to be just a few minutes late to choir practice on Sunday mornings so they will have already started and I don't feel obligated to rake through everyone there. But I tell you this so you're prepared for the barrage of handshakes you will experience when you come to church with us.

Hug me
Contrary to stereotype, Germans, especially German women, are pretty big huggers. These hugs will usually accompany the hello/goodbye handshake if they're feeling particularly affectionate toward you. (I'm sure you'll get a few when you come to church with us. Our friends are pretty excited to meet you.) Hugs seem to be usually woman to woman or woman to man, and the man to man hug happens, but it's more rare. This all isn't particularly unusual, but the way they hug is a little different, and that's why I bring it up.

First, a German hug usually starts as a handshake, then one party will pull the other in and, while still holding right hands, they will embrace with their left arms. And whereas Americans, who, when engaged in a platonic embrace, tend to protect their heads and avoid any sort of face to face contact, Germans always touch cheeks when they hug, usually right cheeks. The cheek touch is more the focus of the hug that the arms or body contact. The first time this happened to me I was sort of surprised, but it's actually a very pleasant experience as Germans tend to have nice cheeks.

Lose the shoes
I doubt we'll be guests in any German homes while you're here, but just in case, Germans ALWAYS remove their shoes before entering their own homes and it is expected that guests do the same. Sometimes they offer you slippers to wear called "Hausschuhe" (house shoes), but sometimes they don't, so it's a good idea, especially if it's cooler out, or if the home isn't carpeted, to wear warm socks.

And don't worry, Mom, I know you have weak arches and permafrost feet, so shoe wearing is completely permitted at our place. We're kind of like the American embassy that way.

Next up in the series: A simple survivor's guide to the German language. Stay tuned.



JEM

Germany Isn't Scary (Anymore): Opening the Window

These are my parents.


In one month they will make the arduous journey from Idaho to Germany to see us. Neither of them have ever left the continental United States, and they're pretty nervous. So, in an effort to quell their anxiety, AD is introducing a sporadic month-long series titled: "Germany Isn't Scary (Anymore)". In this series we will do tutorials on and learn about some of the ins and outs of German life that my parents will likely encounter during their stay.

For our first lesson, we will learn about German windows, which Americans, including myself, always find weird. Here is our living room window, which I will use as an example.


You'll notice it's large, that it's one piece and that it has no screen. It obviously doesn't slide open like American windows. But the apartment's getting stuffy, and you need some fresh air. And fast! Before haphazardly attacking hinges and handles, which will likely result in the window falling off its hinges all together (believe me, I've done it), take a deep breath and remember the following tutorial.

First of all, know that are two ways to open a German window. You can tip it open, like this:


Or you can open it all the way, like this:


Modern German windows are relatively easy to work — you twist the handle so that it's horizontal to open the window all the way and vertically upside-down to tip the window.

But our windows are vintage German Democratic Republic (read: junk) and so it's a little more complicated.

Let's look at the moving parts. First we have the handle.


Next, you'll notice the levers on the two hinges, one along the bottom of the window ...


and the other along the right edge of the window.


The first rule is NEVER EVER EVER open both levers at once. As previously mentioned, the window will fall off.

To tip the window, flip up the the lever on the RIGHT EDGE of the window only. (It's a good idea to check the bottom lever and make sure it is securely closed.)


Then grip and pull up on the handle.


The top of the window will pop out and settle into a perfect tip (see above).

If you want to open the window all the way, simply reverse the levers in the process. Flip open the BOTTOM lever only, making sure the right lever is secure.


Then pull up on the handle, as previously explained, and voila. You are at once one with nature and fully equipped to spit on unsuspecting passers-by.

The end.



JEM