My last German Christmas has come and gone. I weep bitterly.
We made several visits to the Striezelmarkt this year. But Jethro and I had to pay it one last visit on its last day of operation. We meandered, bought a little Räuchermann, and I let Jethro go for a spin on a pretty terrifying merry-go-round that looked like it had been welded together in a junkyard using only found objects.
Then came the time came for us to go. (READ: I needed to use the little girls' room and didn't want to PAY FOR IT ... turns out there are some aspects of life in Germany that I won't miss). But despite my full bladder, I found leaving the sounds of German Christmas carols and the smells of Glühwein and crepes and roasting bratwurst behind me to be difficult.
Fortunately we'll be bringing a few small pieces of Christmas in Dresden back to America with us to help us remember the four lovely Christmases we spent here.
I think we had a skiff of snow on one of those Christmases, but otherwise our Christmases here have been pretty mild. This year was certainly our snowiest Dresden Christmas.
And while we're looking at our balcony, I need to mention something that is not related to Christmas.
We have a ton of pigeons in our neighborhood, and they seem to be particularly fond of our building thanks to the old woman on the third floor who insists on feeding them. We haven't had too many problems with them, but a couple of months ago Jake cleaned our windows. And apparently he did a pretty good job because later that day this large smudge appeared on our back door:
If you examine it closely, it's pretty clear that a pigeon slammed headfirst, with full wing extension, into our backdoor.
You can even make out the little beak. He or she apparently wasn't too seriously injured because there was no unconscious bird on our balcony or nearby.
And so I feel OK about finding the whole thing hysterically funny. We never washed the mark off, and every time we open the curtains we have a good laugh at the bird's expense.
And on that note, I hope you all had a great Christmas. I leave you now with a scene from our less-than-Biblically-accurate rendition of the Nativity.
JEM
P.S. Those other FIELDTRIP!s I was talking about earlier are still coming. For reals.
Jasmine E. Michaelson:(barges in) Sorry to barge in like this. American Dresdner:(jerks awake from nap on couch) No, Mr. Hasselhoff! You're a married man! JEM: Oh, sorry. I didn't mean to wake you up. That sounds like it was a good dream. AD:(clears throat awkwardly) JEM: Whoa, AD. Look at this place! Where is your desk? AD: It's still there. Just look behind the pizza boxes. JEM: And look at you! I don't mean to be a jerk, but you look like you've gained, like, 20 pounds (9.07 kilograms for our friends on the metric system). And you've got a little something on your chin there. AD:(wipes potato chip crumbs off face with sleeve) Well, as long as you don't mean to be a jerk. JEM: When was the last time you were out? AD: Stop pretending like you're here to check up on my well-being. If you cared about that you would've stuck your head in here once or twice in the last MONTH to make sure I hadn't slipped into a coma. JEM: I'm sorry. Things have been crazy. AD: Oh yeah, right. You're half-way out the door, aren't you? Off to sunny San Diego where you'll be American Americaner and where will that leave me, huh? JEM: That's not true. I mean, we are leaving Germany really soon but I'm not half-way out the door. I still have so many things left that I want to post on this blog that I'm sort of overwhelmed by it. And you're right about me not coming in to check on you. I needed someone to talk to. AD:(groans, rolls eyes, and pushes pile of dirty laundry off the couch onto the floor) Fine. Sit. JEM:(sits and bursts into tears) You see, it snowed. AD: That's been known to happen in Germany in mid-December. JEM: I know, but I just wasn't ready for it. (Dabs tears with handkerchief.) I kept thinking that I'd be able to do some of my favorite Dresden things just one more time before we left, like go to the zoo or ride my bike with Jethro through Großer Garten, or play with Jethro on the tire swings in our neighborhood, things like that. But then these mountains of snow came and basically said, "OK, time's up." And now we're pretty much stuck at home because all the snow has put public transit on the fritz and getting our beastly kinderwagen through the snow is a real b---- and a half. AD: Watch the language, children and in-laws read this blog. JEM: Oh, that's right. Sorry children and in-laws. But we did a lot of great stuff before the snow came and I'm going to tell you about it soon. The next few nights are wide open for me because Jake has his defense on Monday and so he'll be spending every waking moment glaring at his laptop with his headphones on while incessantly stroking his beard. I expect that by Monday the beard will have been rubbed off his face entirely. AD: Gross. JEM: Anyway, my point is, I'll be back tomorrow for the first in a series of three FIELDTRIP!s. So change out of your sweatpants, AD! And for crying out loud clip your toenails! We're going back to work! AD: I'll clip my toenails, but not for you. JEM: Blog re-activity here we come!
I had all these big plans for my last Fourth of July in Germany, but after our guests left a little earlier than anticipated and Jake and Jethro both went to bed unusually early, I found myself alone on the balcony with a sparkler.
Here's a bonus for you, just to try and win back your affection. This is a favorite German quirk of mine. It took me awhile to notice it, but once I did, I saw it everywhere. Germans seem to be obsessed with backing into parking spaces. I don't know if it's connected to their love of precision or some ever-present need for a speedy getaway, but whatever it is, I'm onto them.
I'm only able to touch the keyboard of our computer when Jethro's sleeping, but that time has been rapidly devoured since my discovery that every season of "The X-Files" is now available to view instantly on Netflix (which we are able to view despite our overseas location thanks to my dear husband's magical computer finagling). Oh yeah, and my novel. You didn't forget about my awesome novel that I'm writing did you? Because I did a couple of times. And also the fact that I've been reading "East of Eden" by John Steinbeck for almost two years. I started it while getting a blood test toward the end of my pregnancy, and now that said fetus is learning to talk, I've decided that it's time to finish. (Incidentally, I love the book. I'm just a really slow reader.)
You haven't missed a lot.
I got a Vulcan haircut that I felt made me look alternately like a sleek time traveler from the future and like a resident of a mental institution who got a hold of a pair of children's scissors. For better or worse it grew out faster than it took for the girl at the salon to cut it.
I visited a windmill that was really cute and old.
Jake went to Norway for work, making it the kajillionth awesome place he's gotten to see without me.
Meanwhile, I located this chalk-graffiti in my neighborhood that I DID NOT DO. But it would appear that a doppleganger lives among us. A doppleganger who's still working on those pesky J's.
Then Jethro got really sick.
The poor little guy was a shell of himself for about four days, with puking and fever and diarrhea. Scared me to death. He's fine now, thank goodness. And I can put behind me one of my great fears: Being barfed upon. As with everything, when it's your own kid, love trumps all other emotions, including gag-reflex-inducing disgust and horror.
And then both back tires of the Kinderwagen blew out. Oje. And when you don't have a car, the Kinderwagen is your car, so that made life a little frustrating. We were able to limp by with our cheap little umbrella stroller, but those things don't handle the cobblestone so well. I was worried Jethro's teeth would get rattled right out of his skull. But the Wagen's back online. More or less.
And then I took some pictures for you of hilariously named German breakfast cereals.
(And yes, Germany has a lot of chocolate cereal.)
And we went on lots of walks.
And dealt with a few of these:
And I think that's about it.
But that's about to change because this Saturday I'm going Leipzig for the world's largest Goth festival.
The bus tickets have been purchased and my fingernails have been painted black, so hang onto your corsets, kids, 'cuz I'm goin' in!
The thought has crossed my mind before that Jake has many of the traits of an international super-villain — the cold, analytical mind, the staggering intellect, the obsessive nature, the piercing eyes, and that rare combination of lone wolf instincts and leader-of-men talents.
But never have I been more suspicious than when he told me, in all seriousness, that he'd be taking the night train to Heidelberg for a mandatory meeting of the Alliance.
I'll be keeping my eyes open for lapel-less suits and an insatiable lust for power.
Does anybody else think this is sort of a weird toy? I mean, what 4-year-old doesn't want to play with a smiling, John Denver-coiffed police man who is permanently handcuffed to a raging, tattooed anarchist? The more I look at it, I'm not even sure the policeman is the one in charge of the situation. I think the anarchist and his Maglite might actually be holding the policeman hostage. It could go either way. I think I might get it just to see how this thing plays out.
American Dresdner: JEM, could I have a word with you? Jasmine E. Michaelson: Yeah, sure. AD: In the conference room? Alone? JEM: We have a conference room? AD:(closes door solemnly) JEM, I'm going to cut to the chase here. Your performance lately has been disappointing to say the least. I know you had your little vacation in the U.S. for three weeks, was it? JEM: Yeah. AD: Wowsers! Better not get used to that! Anyway, my point is, you've been back for over a month and posted here only once. Now, I consider myself a patient person, but when your performance reflects on me and my reputation, I have to address it. And as much as I hate to resort to threats, I'm afraid I have to tell you that if you aren't up to this anymore, I'm going to have to let you go and find someone else who is. JEM: Wait — what? AD: Now let's not get emotional. JEM: Emotional? AD, are you seriously threatening to fire me? AD: Please don't make a scene. No one's firing anyone yet. JEM: But this is MY blog! I MADE you! You can't fire me, you little ingrate! Maybe I'll fire YOU! How about that! AD: Clearly you're under some emotional duress. JEM: Yeah, I'm under some emotional duress! I've been sick for a week along with Jethro and Jake, and you know what I learned? MAMA DON'T GET NO SICK DAYS! I spent three days up to my elbows in snot and spit — and only half of it was mine. And I'm just so tired. (bursts into tears) But I love them so much, AD. Jake's such a sweet husband and Jethro's such a funny, loving little guy. Look at this:
Couldn't you just DIE!? I'm a lucky woman, AD, I really am. (wipes tears) I should also mention here that I quit nursing Jethro entirely about a month and a half ago and that has triggered some hormonal changes I wasn't anticipating. (laughs hysterically) AD: OK. No need to get into your lady issues here. Is there anything else you'd like to disclose regarding your poor work performance? JEM: Well, I had to give a talk last week in church, and about a month before that Jake and I gave a fireside to a church group. And you have to realize that whenever I have to do things like this in German, it takes at least four times as long to prepare as it would in English, mostly working out strange vocabulary words and verb constructions I manage to avoid most of the time. AD: OK, noted. Anything else? JEM: Yes. I also recently lost a significant amount of sleep after watching "Let the Right One In", a Swedish vampire movie that BLEW MY MIND.
Best vampire movie ever, as far as I'm concerned. Seriously scary but also strangely sweet and innocent. Anyway, my brain wouldn't turn off for hours after I went to bed. I eventually had to hypnotize myself to go to sleep. AD: You what? JEM: You count backwards from 100 with the singular thought that by the time you reach 1 you will be relaxed, not afraid, confident ... whatever you need at the moment. It doesn't always work. You have to really focus. Jake read about it in a book and taught it to me. He's a lot better at it than I am. My mind wanders too much, but it does often help me go to sleep when I'm really keyed up. AD: Fascinating. Are there any other lame excuses that you'd like to give me for being such a slacker? JEM: No. I think that's all I've got. But I would like to share something interesting. AD: Shoot. JEM: You remember my crippling phobia of slugs? Well, Jake decided a couple of weeks ago that it was time to address my fear, and he gave a Family Home Evening lesson on slugs. (We usually have pretty unorthodox home evening lessons.) We learned about the anatomy and lifestyle of the slug. Did you know that the black hole on one side of the slug's mantle is a single nostril? I always thought some joker was giving them all cigarette burns on the same place.
Anyway, the most fascinating part of the lesson was this video of slugs mating. Yeah, it's gross, but it's also actually quite spectacular. I had no idea slugs were capable of such an intricate and elaborate ritual. It's kind of (and I can't believe I'm saying this) beautiful. And I have to say that it actually did give me a greater appreciation of slugs. Not that I'm planning to take one on as a pet or anything.
AD: I think I could have done without seeing that, but I'm glad it helped you. Now, as for that post on your reverse culture shock that you promised a month ago? JEM: Yeah, I know. I'm working on it. AD: Can we expect this sometime before CHRISTMAS? JEM: Yes, definitely before Christmas. I can promise you that. Hey, AD? AD: Yes? JEM: You wouldn't really replace me, right? I mean, sure, I've had my ups and downs here, but I do OK, right? And we're old friends, you know? You wouldn't turn out a friend, right? AD: Right ... (sweeps applicant files into a drawer while faking a sneeze)
Jethro's beloved shark hat, which I received from the Turek family at my baby shower last September, fell out of the kinderwagen yesterday somewhere between our church and the tram stop. We went back this morning to look for it and couldn't find it anywhere. We grieve, but are comforted by the good times we shared with shark hat. Rest in peace, good friend.
It's scary enough to have your husband tell you that your hair "looks kind of like He-Man". But it's an entirely different level of horror to look at your reflection in the window and realize that he's absolutely right.
Jake got it in his head that he wanted to watch "The Shining" on Halloween. Me and scary movies don't traditionally get along too well. (I like to think it has something to do with an overactive imagination, but it's really because I'm a coward.) So anyway, I'd heard rumors that "The Shining" was, like, the most terrifying movie ever made of all time, or something along those lines, so I was a little hesitant. But after watching this trailer on YouTube, I felt a lot better about it and decided to give it a go:
Turns out that trailer is a little misleading.
But in a related story, there's no way I'm letting Jake talk me into watching this one:
Just for the record, though, that can't really happen, right? I mean, for a little guy Junior can get to kicking at the walls pretty hard, but he couldn't actually, you know, make my torso explode, right? Right?
Hello?
JEM
P.S. Thanks, Andreas, for letting us borrow your copy of this fine film.
I'm from Idaho, but I live in Dresden, Germany. In a former life I was a journalist. I'm married to a mad scientist from Las Vegas named Jake, who is working on his Ph.D. here in computational biology. We have a baby boy named Jethro. We are Mormons fascinated by various things. This blog is about our lives, with particular emphasis on life in Germany through the eyes of an American. Enjoy your stay.
