I Think I'm Turning Germanese

I'm getting Germaner by the minute. Case in point: This morning I was a wild, shaggy-headed Yank ...


But now I'm a sleek and sexy fräulein.


Now, vehr deed I poot my blahck turtleneck und vire-rimmed glahsses? Oh, dat's right. I don't haf dees sings. I moost now make schohpping. Auf wiedersehen.



JEM

The Beard

American Dresdner: So, you have a beard now.
Jake J. Michaelson: Yes.
AD: How long has this been going on?
JJM: Since the writer's strike.
AD: That's over. You heard about that, right?
JJM: They didn't meet my demands.
AD: How's a beard supposed to help the situation anyway?
JJM: It's an outward token of my inner rage.
AD: You're not even a writer.
JJM: (shifty-eyed silence)
AD: This is your first beard, isn't it?
JJM: Yes it is.
AD: Has it been a positive experience?
JJM: It has exceeded all my expectations.
AD: How long did it take you to get it to a satisfactory length?
JJM: About a month and a half.
AD: Tell me a little about beard maintenance.
JJM: A lot more effort is required than I had anticipated. I have to trim it every few days to keep myself from looking like Sylvester the cat. If if weren't for my job, I'd probably have to trim more frequently, but I just sit there trying to solve problems and pull out hairs. It's a distraction for my fingers.
AD: What are the benefits of beard-hood?
JJM: No. 1 is hiding double chin. Looking older and more intimidating. Fewer zits. Warms face. Aids tickling of wife.
AD: Do you have any beard heroes?
JJM: Will Riker


U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke


John the Baptist


AD: Will you be bearded forever?
JJM: No. I will shave it off once I can go a whole week without wearing a coat.
AD: And once the writers' demands have been met in full.
JJM: Yes.
AD: But the beard will be a recurring character in the life of Jake?
JJM: Yes.
AD: Are there any tips you would offer readers pondering beard ownership?
JJM: You have to consider that at first there's definitely an awkward stage you have to go through. It's a very humbling time.
AD: Would you say this period is longer for blonder men?
JJM: Yes, definitely.
AD: Anything else to consider?
JJM: It's also important to consider how long you plan on keeping the beard because if you have one of those monkey faces and you keep the beard for a long time you could shock a lot of people when you shave it off. Luckily, I don't have a monkey face.
AD: So you're saying ugly people should either never grow a beard, or just keep one permanently.
JJM: That is exactly what I'm saying.
AD: Be honest. Are you afraid of what your face will look like when you shave?
JJM: Yes. There's going to be a lot of pink, fleshy skin underneath. I've also gotten used to not having to look at my double chin.
AD: If women could grow beards, and it was socially acceptable, do you think you could find a bearded woman attractive?
JJM: No.
AD: Is there any must-reading you'd recommend to current or potential beardies?
JJM: Well, I'm glad that you asked. There's a great support group over at the Beard Board.

It provided me with the assurance that there were other men out there facing the same battles I was. Men who wake up everyday and look in the mirror and have to decide if they can go on.
AD: Thanks for your time. Everyone here at American Dresdner commends you for your courage and endurance.
JJM: Thank you.

Germany Isn't Scary (Anymore): Opening the Window

These are my parents.


In one month they will make the arduous journey from Idaho to Germany to see us. Neither of them have ever left the continental United States, and they're pretty nervous. So, in an effort to quell their anxiety, AD is introducing a sporadic month-long series titled: "Germany Isn't Scary (Anymore)". In this series we will do tutorials on and learn about some of the ins and outs of German life that my parents will likely encounter during their stay.

For our first lesson, we will learn about German windows, which Americans, including myself, always find weird. Here is our living room window, which I will use as an example.


You'll notice it's large, that it's one piece and that it has no screen. It obviously doesn't slide open like American windows. But the apartment's getting stuffy, and you need some fresh air. And fast! Before haphazardly attacking hinges and handles, which will likely result in the window falling off its hinges all together (believe me, I've done it), take a deep breath and remember the following tutorial.

First of all, know that are two ways to open a German window. You can tip it open, like this:


Or you can open it all the way, like this:


Modern German windows are relatively easy to work — you twist the handle so that it's horizontal to open the window all the way and vertically upside-down to tip the window.

But our windows are vintage German Democratic Republic (read: junk) and so it's a little more complicated.

Let's look at the moving parts. First we have the handle.


Next, you'll notice the levers on the two hinges, one along the bottom of the window ...


and the other along the right edge of the window.


The first rule is NEVER EVER EVER open both levers at once. As previously mentioned, the window will fall off.

To tip the window, flip up the the lever on the RIGHT EDGE of the window only. (It's a good idea to check the bottom lever and make sure it is securely closed.)


Then grip and pull up on the handle.


The top of the window will pop out and settle into a perfect tip (see above).

If you want to open the window all the way, simply reverse the levers in the process. Flip open the BOTTOM lever only, making sure the right lever is secure.


Then pull up on the handle, as previously explained, and voila. You are at once one with nature and fully equipped to spit on unsuspecting passers-by.

The end.



JEM

Facelift

Our living room wall before ...


... and after ...


Thanks for your input. You convinced me.



JEM

Poll: How Do You Do?

So I notice that in the English book I am required to teach from, it says that the correct and polite response to the question "How do you do?" is "How do you do?"

Did I miss something? Doesn't "How do you do?" mean the same thing as "How are you doing?" Isn't the response "fine" or "very well"? I tell the students that I think the book is mistaken, that I have never heard someone respond like that, and of course, one of the students disagrees with me. I am wrong and the book is right. I say I'm sorry, but all I have to go on is 24 years of BEING AN AMERICAN.

And then I consider telling them that the only people who say "How do you do?" anyway are limp-wristed tea-party goers and that saying it can, in some American cities, get you killed. But I don't. They'll have to learn that the hard way.

So now you tell me, what is the correct response to "How do you do?" Together we will settle this once and for all.



JEM

Honest and Clean

A few weeks ago I was visiting an English class of German adults to observe the teacher's technique. The students requested that I introduce myself so they could hear English with an American accent (the teacher was Iranian). After I gave them the basics, they wanted to know what I thought of Germany, which is an easy question. I get it a lot.

"I enjoy it here. It's beautiful and has lots of interesting history. It's also very safe, which I like."

Then one asked me, "What do you think of Germans?" And a hush fell over the room.

If I asked this question about Americans to a foreigner visiting America, I would hope the answer would be something along the lines of, "Americans are very friendly and welcoming. They have good senses of humor and have been very helpful." I think it's safe to say most Americans would be flattered and delighted by this assertion.

But Germans are not Americans. They have different priorities, and they certainly have different personalities. I told them the truth.

"I find Germans to be very honest, and I also find them to be very clean. Your homes and buildings and parks are always clean and in excellent condition. If something is broken, you fix it immediately."

They were genuinely flattered. They all did that closed-eye-frown-nod thing that people do when someone gives them a compliment that they agree with but didn't think anyone had noticed. (Example: You: "JEM, your freckles are really charming." Me: *closed-eye-frown-nod* "I'm glad you think so.")

I sort of gave a sigh of relief. I was expecting someone to say, "And? Are we nice?" Because that's what a roomful of Americans would be wondering. But the Germans didn't. They were pleased with my response.

And therein, I believe, lies the crucial difference between Germans and Americans. Americans want to be liked. Germans want to be respected.

And for the record, Germans are nice — just in their own special way.



JEM

Scientologists Need Not Apply

The contract I recently signed to become an English instructor for a local language school was generally standard fare. "The Agent undertakes to notify (the Principal) immediately in the event of illness or any other circumstances preventing the performance of work," and so forth. It goes about like that until the final clause, which states:

"Hereby the Agent declares that he/she does not sympathize with or support the ideas of L. Ron Hubbard. He/she is not bound by any orders or instructions of an organization promoting Hubbard's technology. He/she does not make use of its contents or methods. He/she does not pass on to a third person any information given to him/her in confidence as a result of this employment. Should this declaration prove not true, it causes an immediate dismissal of this (contract)."

Last December, after more than a decade of closely observing the Church of Scientology, Germany's federal and state interior ministers declared the church to be unconstitutional in a first and unprecedented step to ban the controversial organization.

The interior ministers' report, according to CNN.com, didn't go into much detail or offer anything in the way of specific examples, but did state, "From a number of sources, some of them not available to the public, it has been determined that (the organization) seeks to limit or rescind basic and human rights, such as the right to develop one's personality and the right to be treated equally."

The Church of Scientology, of course, called Germany's move ridiculous and out of step with the rest of the world. In fact, CNN reported that the U.S. State Department in its annual Human Rights report regularly criticized Germany for its close monitoring of the Church of Scientology.

When this was all shaking out several months ago, it made me uncomfortable. Being a Mormon, I tend to sympathize with religions that are unique and largely misunderstood. Not sympathize in the sense that I agree with their beliefs, but sympathize in the sense that I get how painful it is when the thing you love and believe in gets mercilessly shredded in the public forum. And it annoyed me that the German government felt they had the right to restrict any religion. It sounded to me like a dangerous throwback to the days of the GDR when the Stasi kept a close eye on Germans who subscribed to any religion, in particular those associated with the capitalistic West, i.e. Mormons.

The issue upset me enough that I started researching Scientology more in an effort to understand their viewpoint, because I wanted to be able to defend them. The things I learned were — unusual, which I expected. But I felt that as a Mormon, I had little room to criticize anyone for believing in any ideas that could be perceived by outsiders as unorthodox (though I will say that in the out-there category, Mormonism has nothing on Scientology).

This was all before I stumbled upon this article published by Time Magazine in 1991, which blasts the church, not for its doctrines, but rather for its dubious methods of relentlessly milking members for finances and for its scary and sneaky means of shutting down naysayers. Upon reading it, my sympathies cooled significantly and I was able to appreciate Germany's position, even if I still strongly disagree with any government's decision to restrict religion based solely on doctrine.

The final clause in my employment contract represents one of the Church of Scientology's attempts at retaliation against the German government. Since 2006 stories have been popping up about suspicious tutoring schools in Germany, in which tutors, once alone with clients, begin asking personal questions and teaching Scientology rather than the school subjects they were hired to teach. Apparently, since I will be in an unsupervised teacher-pupil relationship, potentially on a one-on-one level, they just want to be sure.

Frankly, I can't say I blame them, but after signing the contract, I'll probably be a little less free about my own affiliations, just in case. You know those Mormons. They can never be trusted.



JEM