As I Lay Dying

I have a cold.

And while the results of my research are pending, I am convinced it is among the top five worst colds ever to be had by human beings. In light of this, and as my short life flashes before my bleary eyes, I wish to share some thoughts and requests with my beloved readers.

1. Humanity today is plagued with many great and horrific troubles. None is more worth mankind's concern than that of the quest to eradicate the phrase "let's agree to disagree" from the Earth's collective consciousness.

2. I feel a life is defined by the questions one asks oneself. Asking questions such as "Who am I?" and "What is holding me back?" will make us stronger and more sure of our paths. Most of the questions I have asked myself have regarded my current, past and future hairstyles. And these questions have helped me greatly. But no question has provoked more thoughtful introspection and meditation than this: "Who is cooler, Steve McQueen or Paul Newman?"

Steve

Paul

3. All of America's, and consequently, the world's problems would be solved if Jean-Luc Picard and Will Riker were running things. And I'm not the only person who thinks so.



4. My parents have taught me many wonderful things. But the teachings I plan to carry with me into the next life are these: A woman owes it to the people who must look at her to manage her facial peach fuzz (Mom); and the greatest rock 'n' roll scream of all time is at the end of the organ solo in the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" (Dad).


5. Finally, in lieu of flowers, I would request that mourners and well-wishers make a donation to the bank account of my grieving widower.


Goodbye, cruel world. I hardly knew thee.



JEM