JEM Leaves Apartment, Does Stuff

American Dresdner: Where the crap have you been?
Jasmine E. Michaelson: Sorry, AD.
AD: You're not going hermit again, are you?
JEM: No, I've actually been busy, believe it or not.
AD: Not.
JEM: Yeah? Well, get this — I found a job!
AD: (speechless)
JEM: I know. It's very exciting. I'm an English teacher at a language school. I've been observing classes this week.
AD: English teacher, huh? You going to teach these poor saps Idaho spudhead terms like jockey box and borrow pit that'll get the snot kicked out of 'em anywhere else in the world?
JEM: I'm not planning on it. I did, however, get to explain to a student today what the phrase "I don't give a damn" means.
AD: What an inspiring opportunity.
JEM: It really was.
AD: When do you start teaching?
JEM: I've been assigned to an all-day, two-week long class full of German soldiers that starts at the end of the month.
AD: Are you training spies?
JEM: Not that I'm aware of.
AD: Just remember, traitors get executed.
JEM: I'll remember that. It would also be good if you remembered that Germany and the United States are allies now.
AD: Oh, right.
(awkward pause)
AD: Soooo ... you seen any good movies lately?
JEM: I'm glad you asked that, AD, because I have. Twice a week this awesome movie theater downtown shows American movies in English. Problems are, they only show each movie once, they pick movies that have already been out forever, and lots of the movies they pick we're not interested in. But on Wednesday night they showed "I Am Legend" and we decided to forgive Will Smith for everything related to "Big Willie Style", "Fresh Prince of Bel Air", and pretty much everything else he's done in his life and see it.


AD: And?
JEM: It was, I'll say, 85 percent good.
AD: What does that mean?
JEM: I liked it, but it would've been better if I was the director. And if the ending hadn't been so lame. And if they'd explained why in blazes there were African lions in New York.
AD: Have you seen anything else?
JEM: In fact, yes. This has been the week of going to the movies. We noticed that Dresden's friendly neighborhood 3D theater was showing U23D this week, so we had to go see it because Jake loves U2. So much so that he's given me permission to kiss Bono if I ever get the chance because it would be the closest he could ever get to kissing Bono.


AD: Hmmm.
JEM: Of course, that was before this movie came out. Now, I'm pretty sure watching Bono's head on a screen the size of a aircraft carrier in 3D is the closest he'll ever get to kissing Bono.
AD: How was the movie?
JEM: Cool. It was like being at the Vertigo concert all over again. But with better seats. And in Latin America. And occasionally flying. And without the drunk girls next to us who kept saying, "This is f***ing epic!"
AD: Sounds like a good experience.
JEM: It was. But you want to know the best part?
AD: Tell me.
JEM: 3D glasses.


AD: Is that beer you're holding?
JEM: You'd think so, but no. It's Sprite. And Jake had a Fanta. Although they had beer at the concessions stand. Not surprising considering you can buy beer at McDonald's, Burger King, the IKEA cafeteria, and select elementary schools. (I'm kidding about the elementary schools. I think. I actually haven't checked.)
AD: Anything else you'd like to share about this experience?
JEM: Yes. We were two of about 12 people in a theater that could probably seat 1,000. That was fun. Everybody was screaming during the previews while we got used to the 3D.


AD: Anything else you'd like to talk about in this interview?
JEM: Well, there are more things to talk about, but I'll save them for future posts. I will, however, tell you this interesting tidbit.
AD: I'm salivating in anticipation.
JEM: Did you hear about the first ever Korean astronaut being sent into space?
AD: Yes. The Interwebs told me about that.
JEM: Well, I brought this up with my Korean scientist English student at a recent lesson and guess what.
AD: What?
JEM: He applied for the job.
AD: No way.
JEM: Way. He had to do all kinds of physical tests and training. He said he exercised for two hours every day leading up to the tests.
AD: Wow. But he didn't get it.
JEM: Sadly, no. This guy did.


My guy totally could've done it, though. He said the main problem they had with him was that he didn't have his Ph.D. yet. And they also wanted somebody fluent in English and Russian.
AD: Tall order.
JEM: Yes. They have to make it tough or else we'd all be astronauts.
AD: Right.
JEM: And nobody'd be down here on Earth to answer the phone.
AD: Can't have that.
JEM: No, we can't.