American Dresdner: So, you have a beard now.Jake J. Michaelson: Yes.
AD: How long has this been going on?
JJM: Since the writer's strike.
AD: That's over. You heard about that, right?
JJM: They didn't meet my demands.
AD: How's a beard supposed to help the situation anyway?
JJM: It's an outward token of my inner rage.
AD: You're not even a writer.
JJM: (shifty-eyed silence)
AD: This is your first beard, isn't it?
JJM: Yes it is.
AD: Has it been a positive experience?
JJM: It has exceeded all my expectations.
AD: How long did it take you to get it to a satisfactory length?
JJM: About a month and a half.
AD: Tell me a little about beard maintenance.
JJM: A lot more effort is required than I had anticipated. I have to trim it every few days to keep myself from looking like Sylvester the cat. If if weren't for my job, I'd probably have to trim more frequently, but I just sit there trying to solve problems and pull out hairs. It's a distraction for my fingers.
AD: What are the benefits of beard-hood?
JJM: No. 1 is hiding double chin. Looking older and more intimidating. Fewer zits. Warms face. Aids tickling of wife.
AD: Do you have any beard heroes?
JJM: Will Riker
U.S. Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke
John the Baptist
AD: Will you be bearded forever?
JJM: No. I will shave it off once I can go a whole week without wearing a coat.
AD: And once the writers' demands have been met in full.
JJM: Yes.
AD: But the beard will be a recurring character in the life of Jake?
JJM: Yes.
AD: Are there any tips you would offer readers pondering beard ownership?
JJM: You have to consider that at first there's definitely an awkward stage you have to go through. It's a very humbling time.
AD: Would you say this period is longer for blonder men?
JJM: Yes, definitely.
AD: Anything else to consider?
JJM: It's also important to consider how long you plan on keeping the beard because if you have one of those monkey faces and you keep the beard for a long time you could shock a lot of people when you shave it off. Luckily, I don't have a monkey face.
AD: So you're saying ugly people should either never grow a beard, or just keep one permanently.
JJM: That is exactly what I'm saying.
AD: Be honest. Are you afraid of what your face will look like when you shave?
JJM: Yes. There's going to be a lot of pink, fleshy skin underneath. I've also gotten used to not having to look at my double chin.
AD: If women could grow beards, and it was socially acceptable, do you think you could find a bearded woman attractive?
JJM: No.
AD: Is there any must-reading you'd recommend to current or potential beardies?
JJM: Well, I'm glad that you asked. There's a great support group over at the Beard Board.
It provided me with the assurance that there were other men out there facing the same battles I was. Men who wake up everyday and look in the mirror and have to decide if they can go on.AD: Thanks for your time. Everyone here at American Dresdner commends you for your courage and endurance.
JJM: Thank you.
The editorial board at View From the North would like to state that, while we have always preferred redheads, Jake looks astoundingly attractive with his beard. Also, we see absolutely no evidence of a double chin.
ReplyDeleteWhile we protest the wife ticklage (knowing from personal experience how irritating that can be), we are overall supportive of Jake's beardhood and his affiliation with the Beard Board. Thank you.
That may be the most disgusting board ever! I went and looked at the before and after picture thread, and I must say that some of the beards on that board look awful!
ReplyDeleteI initiated a wiskerino (beard growing contest) at work and even created a category I felt confident in winning, "Best Effort." It was a hit, even when I accidentally invited one of the executives to compete (he gracefully bowed out, but committed to compete next year). Unfortunately, it was at the terribly humbling stage that I realized I was going at it alone and the patches of peach fuzz on my face were impressing no one. All in all the wiskerino was an utter failure, but a great learning experience.
ReplyDeleteJake you make having a beard seem so appealing. I can't look at that beard board though- it almost seems pornographic in a strange way.
ReplyDeleteThe beard makes you look very German. Way to go Jake! I wish Ben would follow your lead. This will be the recurring conflict point in our marriage forever.
ReplyDeleteJake,
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment. The beard looks great. And I got to see a lot of your family yesterday at the Mtn. Vista ward talent show. My mom and I were commenting about how you guys are probably the best looking family ever.
I wanted to let you know that Rachel is not a fan of Stephenie Meyer. If you check out her blog, her most recent post talks about it. It's pretty funny.
Emily =)
After 3 years I'm slowing warming up to the idea of Kurt wearing a beard. But honestly, why do I have to touch it? (and Jake looks very intellectual sporting said beard, BTW.)
ReplyDeleteJake - Wow, I like the beard. I found your blog through Emily. That is awesome that you and your wife are in Germany. Hope you are doing well, I will check back in....What are you studying? My husband and I are in FL, a lot less exciting than Germany :)
ReplyDeleteAmanda Wilkinson (now Jewkes)
Dear Jakey or my son the beardo. I was quite interested to read your interview about your beard. I'm surprised that no one said how much you looked like the late Heath Ledger. I was the first one to notice that but several others have seconded my opinion. Also back on your latest email, I don't think Jaz has a pregnancy bump, it is her belt buckle. Keep eating, Jaz.
ReplyDelete