T-Minus Six Weeks

American Dresdner: We haven't had a chat in a while.
Jasmine E. Michaelson: I know! How have you been?
AD: I'll ask the questions around here.
JEM: Oh.
AD: How have you been?
JEM: Things have been pretty good. You might be interested to know that as of today I have exactly six weeks left in my pregnancy!

The protuberance as of this writing.

AD: Thank you for volunteering that personal information and yet another semi-nude photo of your torso.
JEM: Anytime! We're just so excited!!! : )
AD: You did NOT just incorporate an emoticon into this interview.
JEM: Oh, I did. What're you gonna do about it? >: } Anyway, the pregnancy is going super except for a few things.
AD: Such as?
JEM: Oh, you know. The usual. Can't tie my shoes or pick things up off the floor without almost passing out. It takes me about 45 minutes to walk up our six flights of stairs. Pretty much need a winch to stand up. Heartburn like the fires of hell. Tiny fists of fury pummeling my lungs and kidneys. Waking up with a dagger buried in my lower back. Generally unable to find a comfortable position for longer than five minutes. And then, of course, there's been the rare but spontaneous lactation.
AD: The miracle of human life.
JEM: Also, after nursing Jake (no connection to the aforementioned spontaneous lactation) back to coherency from his man cold last weekend, I caught it. 
AD: Man cold?
JEM: Yeah. It's like a regular cold, but carried by a man.

My dad always said that when he got a cold it was worse for him than it was for the rest of us because he was bigger.
AD: I don't follow.
JEM: More of him to get sick.
AD: Hmmm. Fascinating logic.
JEM: I think it also applies to pregnant women, because in addition to generally having more mass, you are literally being sick for two people.
AD: Are you sure this theory is scientifically valid?
JEM: Oh, it's no theory. You want to sit in this body for a spell?
AD: Tempting, but ...
JEM: Lightweight. Which reminds me. Jake gave me a new pet name this weekend. We were leaving the apartment and he said, "OK, Blimpy, you ready to go?"
AD: Blimpy?
JEM: He means it in the best way.
AD: Sure he does. So, as you close in on the blessed event, do you have any worries?
JEM: No. None at all.
AD: None?
JEM: Well, maybe there a couple of worries.
AD: Would you care to share a few?
JEM: Oh, there's not a lot to share. Just little things like, will my bellybutton ever look normal again? What pain have I experienced thus far in my life that could possibly compare to the pain I will soon experience during labor? Or, after watching me push a human being out of my body, will Jake ever again be able to see me as a mysterious and alluring creature? Or, what if my water breaks and I'm nowhere near a telephone or a taxi? Or, what if I'm home alone at go-time and have to get myself down all these stairs? Or, what if there's a lot of traffic and I have to deliver the baby in the backseat of a taxi with a cigarette-smoking-beer-swilling-soccer-hooligan cabbie named Olf as my only support? 
AD: So, the usual concerns?
JEM: Of course, those are just dealing with the birth itself. There are other worries, like, what if the hospital staff are so out of practice with circumcisions, since the only Europeans who have their boys circumcized are the occasional Jews, that they flub it up and we have to raise Junior as a girl?
AD: That doesn't seem terribly likely.
JEM: I'm just trying to prepare myself for every possibility.
AD: Do you have a name picked out yet?
JEM: We're leaning, but we're not making anything public or official yet.
AD: Any clues?
JEM: Only that some reactions we've had to it so far have included:
"It sounds kind of evil." —Melissa Rojas, Jake's little sister
"It sounds like he'd be a cool kid. Like Ponyboy Curtis." —Ford Erickson, my little brother
"(Stunned silence)" —Anne Michaelson, Jake's mother
AD: Sounds like a keeper.
JEM: Can I say something else?
AD: I told you I'm the one asking the questions.
JEM: Fine. I'm going to say something else.
AD: I'm all ears.
JEM: In all seriousness, though, Jake and I really are so excited and so at peace with all of this. I've always been terrified at the prospect of crossing this bridge into parenthood, but it's been incredible to witness the peace that's come into our lives as this has panned out.
AD: That's beautiful. :´)
JEM: Oh, now don't you start.

AD: <: 0 Start what?