We Need to Talk.

American Dresdner: JEM, could I have a word with you?
Jasmine E. Michaelson: Yeah, sure.
AD: In the conference room? Alone?
JEM: We have a conference room?
AD: (closes door solemnly) JEM, I'm going to cut to the chase here. Your performance lately has been disappointing to say the least. I know you had your little vacation in the U.S. for three weeks, was it?
JEM: Yeah.
AD: Wowsers! Better not get used to that! Anyway, my point is, you've been back for over a month and posted here only once. Now, I consider myself a patient person, but when your performance reflects on me and my reputation, I have to address it. And as much as I hate to resort to threats, I'm afraid I have to tell you that if you aren't up to this anymore, I'm going to have to let you go and find someone else who is.
JEM: Wait — what?
AD: Now let's not get emotional.
JEM: Emotional? AD, are you seriously threatening to fire me?
AD: Please don't make a scene. No one's firing anyone yet.
JEM: But this is MY blog! I MADE you! You can't fire me, you little ingrate! Maybe I'll fire YOU! How about that!
AD: Clearly you're under some emotional duress.
JEM: Yeah, I'm under some emotional duress! I've been sick for a week along with Jethro and Jake, and you know what I learned? MAMA DON'T GET NO SICK DAYS! I spent three days up to my elbows in snot and spit — and only half of it was mine. And I'm just so tired. (bursts into tears) But I love them so much, AD. Jake's such a sweet husband and Jethro's such a funny, loving little guy. Look at this:

Couldn't you just DIE!? I'm a lucky woman, AD, I really am. (wipes tears) I should also mention here that I quit nursing Jethro entirely about a month and a half ago and that has triggered some hormonal changes I wasn't anticipating. (laughs hysterically)
AD: OK. No need to get into your lady issues here. Is there anything else you'd like to disclose regarding your poor work performance?
JEM: Well, I had to give a talk last week in church, and about a month before that Jake and I gave a fireside to a church group. And you have to realize that whenever I have to do things like this in German, it takes at least four times as long to prepare as it would in English, mostly working out strange vocabulary words and verb constructions I manage to avoid most of the time.
AD: OK, noted. Anything else?
JEM: Yes. I also recently lost a significant amount of sleep after watching "Let the Right One In", a Swedish vampire movie that BLEW MY MIND.



Best vampire movie ever, as far as I'm concerned. Seriously scary but also strangely sweet and innocent. Anyway, my brain wouldn't turn off for hours after I went to bed. I eventually had to hypnotize myself to go to sleep.
AD: You what?
JEM: You count backwards from 100 with the singular thought that by the time you reach 1 you will be relaxed, not afraid, confident ... whatever you need at the moment. It doesn't always work. You have to really focus. Jake read about it in a book and taught it to me. He's a lot better at it than I am. My mind wanders too much, but it does often help me go to sleep when I'm really keyed up.
AD: Fascinating. Are there any other lame excuses that you'd like to give me for being such a slacker?
JEM: No. I think that's all I've got. But I would like to share something interesting.
AD: Shoot.
JEM: You remember my crippling phobia of slugs? Well, Jake decided a couple of weeks ago that it was time to address my fear, and he gave a Family Home Evening lesson on slugs. (We usually have pretty unorthodox home evening lessons.) We learned about the anatomy and lifestyle of the slug. Did you know that the black hole on one side of the slug's mantle is a single nostril? I always thought some joker was giving them all cigarette burns on the same place.


Anyway, the most fascinating part of the lesson was this video of slugs mating. Yeah, it's gross, but it's also actually quite spectacular. I had no idea slugs were capable of such an intricate and elaborate ritual. It's kind of (and I can't believe I'm saying this) beautiful. And I have to say that it actually did give me a greater appreciation of slugs. Not that I'm planning to take one on as a pet or anything.



AD: I think I could have done without seeing that, but I'm glad it helped you. Now, as for that post on your reverse culture shock that you promised a month ago?
JEM: Yeah, I know. I'm working on it.
AD: Can we expect this sometime before CHRISTMAS?
JEM: Yes, definitely before Christmas. I can promise you that. Hey, AD?
AD: Yes?
JEM: You wouldn't really replace me, right? I mean, sure, I've had my ups and downs here, but I do OK, right? And we're old friends, you know? You wouldn't turn out a friend, right?
AD: Right ... (sweeps applicant files into a drawer while faking a sneeze)