A Mother is Born

My whole life I've never really been a baby person.

I mean, I thought they were cute, but they've always made me very nervous and uncomfortable. My youngest brother is only 5 years younger than me, so I didn't grow up around babies the way some people do, and I never really learned the baby arts of holding and soothing and burping and diaper changing. It felt like any time anyone passed me a baby, I would do something wrong and require correction. Babies, of course, are like horses in that they can smell anxiety. So, naturally, any time one found its way into my arms, it would scream and squirm and generally act as uncomfortable as I felt.

This has always gnawed at me a little. I felt like I was missing some trait inherent in all women, and I worried about the day I'd be left alone with my own baby. Would I know what to do with it? Would it accept me? Would I accept it? Would we even like each other? The decision to get pregnant required a bit of a leap of faith on my part that the feelings and instincts would come — sort of a "Field of Dreams" mentality.

And so, a few hours after Jethro was born and I had settled into my hospital room and Jake went home for the night, the nurse wheeled Jethro into my room. Smiling, she said I could snuggle him or whatever I wanted, and when I was ready to sleep I could take him to the baby room across the hall. And then she walked out. I was alone with my child for the first time in my life. My initial feeling was a little bit of panic. I wanted to call out to the nurse, "Wait! I don't even know how to hold him! What do I do?" I stared at him for a moment and then gingerly pulled him out of his shopping cart-crib thing. I awkwardly shifted positions for a while, trying to figure out what worked, and he was patient with me. Gradually the panic and discomfort faded and disappeared. It's hard to explain the feelings that took over. For lack of a better description, I felt like a mother. I felt calm and unafraid and confident. Not so much confident in my abilities, as confident in my bond with Jethro. Confident that we would learn together and help each other.


Next week he will be three months old. And we have learned and helped each other. But not only have I developed all those baby skills I'd always lacked, I have been genuinely shocked at how much I love this new job. I love everything about it. I love holding him and napping with him and feeding him and changing him and bathing him. I love watching him grow and develop little personality traits. Even when he's screaming I love it. I'm just crazy about him. Every little thing about him.


Apparently, if you build it, they will come.








JEM