However, our trip to the friendly neighborhood portrait photographer yesterday reminded me of another strange German phenomenon (we're on a roll, kids!): Hanging on the walls and in the windows of every little photo shop in Germany, amongst the normal baby, wedding and happy family portraits, there are always several massive, dramatically lit black and white prints of buck naked people. Sometimes you see faces, sometimes you don't. Sometimes the "special areas" are disguised, sometimes they're not. OK, usually they're not. Sometimes it's just a three foot wide poster of someone's butt or provocatively arched and greased up torso, man or woman.It's not so much that these pictures are on such prominent display that I find strange — rather the fact that, apparently, people regularly pay money for naked pictures of themselves. What in the world does one do with a gigantic black and white, soft focus photo of one's own bosoms draped in a long strand of pearls? Hang it over the fireplace? Really? And when company comes, what are they supposed to say? "Ah! Are these the bosoms we've heard so much about? They're wonderful! You should be very proud. But of course you are. You have a massive print of them hanging in your living room."
Yeah, OK, so maybe you have a significant other who is particularly fond of your bosoms or can or what-have-you. And let's say this significant other happens to have a void of taste so dense that it swallows planets. I guess I could see getting a little something made up for him or her. I guess.
So, I suppose, for me, the most baffling naked pictures are the ones of couples together, entangled in some dramatic pose. What are you supposed to do with that? Send it out with the wedding invites? Hang it up so you can see how hot you are together every day? How in love with yourself does a person have to be to say, "Hey, Babe, you know what that blank wall in the entry way needs? A big naked picture of the two of us. Maybe on a bearskin rug."
Wait a second ... that is exactly what the blank wall in our entry way needs! Couples Brazilian bikini wax, here we come!
JEM
9 comments:
Oh my freaking gosh. I read this out loud to my sister-in-law (who is a professional photographer), and we busted a gut. You are hilarious. Good luck with the Brazilian wax. It's okay if you cry.
Oh, I know! Every time I walk past the photographer's shop on the corner, I have to turn my head the other way. Where do they find these people? I certainly hope it's not the normal Germans I know personally. How awkward. And to agree that the photographer can post it for other potential customers to see? Blech!
I am DYING! This post is in the top three, nay... one, of my favorite posts of all time. Ever. You are hysterical!
i might just giggle quietly all day about this post, or i might share it with some of my readers. brilliant. for my husband's sake i'm glad we don't live in germany.
Now that is what I am talking about! Germans are hilarious. Or Americans are prudes.
Either way, I can't wait for you to post your new family photos after the big wax!
Oh, Jaz, you are a scream! Please don't get me a copy of the picture of you and Jake. And by the way, this pic of Jethro looks like he's quite afraid of something--could it be the front entry hall?
I have the perfect example of this for you...Pete and Susie (our adopted grandmother and grandfather who lived across the street from us growing up)loved it when Laura and I would come over and visit with them, offer to walk their dog, or just ooh and aah at the newly hatched baby birds that appeared every year in the same nest of their open garage. We loved Pete and Susie, and they loved us. We were like family in many ways. They both smoked and drank, which was foreign to our 6 and 8 year old minds, but we tried to ignore it and just focused on them and how dear they were to us. Then one day, Pete and Susie invited Laura and I inside their house. We naively entered and enjoyed a tour. Then we got to the bedroom. Our jaws dropped, I'm sure, when Pete proudly showcased the completely nude sketch/painting/whatever it was of Susie, hung in all its glory over the headboard of their bed. "Isn't she beautiful?" He boasted. We were speechless. What were a pair of innocent 6 and 8 year old girls supposed to say to that? I think we've had a few moments of PTSD surrounding that incident since then. Ha! Cute picture of Jethro, can't wait to squeeze him in person.
Wow Amy, that takes the cake. Your poor little minds.
I hope you never see one of those prints in someone's house Jaz!
Jethro looks like Jake in that picture. He is adorable.
Jaz- John and I witnessed exactly what you're talking about when we were there in Germany. We stopped in this quaint little village along the Romantic Road for lunch one day. We were getting out of our car when we both glanced at the shop in front of us. It was a photo studio that proudly displayed shots of pregnant women fully nude, some with their naked spouses draped over and around them. We were gob-smacked. I mean, these were enlarged prints-- sparing nothing... in the front window. I think we were both mortified. Yes, we wondered the same as you... where were these people going to hang these? Very interesting indeed :)
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