Rites of Spring

We have a net across our balcony to keep crows and pigeons from trashing it (and they want to, I can see it in those tiny shifty eyes). Anyway, two weeks ago I noticed this surefire sign of spring taking place on our vermin net:


Yes, that would be two bumble bees sharing an intimate moment. It gets no springier. I thought this certainly meant that Dresden's gray but snowless winter would soon conclude. But as of yesterday morning the vermin net looks like this:

And I'm all, "whatevs!!! : ( y cudnt u dun this @ xmas?!?!?"

On another note, I'd just like to let you know that tonight I will be attending something that will be turned around for AD readers as possibly the best FIELDTRIP! to date. Certainly the most cultured. So, don't touch that dial! Actually, it'll take at least a day for me to compile, so go ahead and touch it. But check back. It'll be great. Promise.



Love,
JEM

Poll: The Great Photo Mural Debate

Jake and I have been entertaining the idea of putting a 1970s-inspired, gigantic wallpaper photo mural on one wall of our living room. We feel it could be the touch of class the place really needs. The current debate is which atmosphere-setting theme we want to go with. Here are the options we're considering:


1. Sunset/palm trees/beach. Jake likes this option because the palm trees and sunsets remind him of his home, Las Vegas. He also likes the idea of putting up a landscape that is very different from the one we currently live in as an escape. I worry that during the gray winters I might turn into a vegetable staring at what I can't have.


2. Moon landing. This is arguably the classiest of the options we're considering. We like that's unusual, but Jake is concerned that it will clash with our Christmas decor. Considering our "Christmas decor" is a string of white lights and a white star in our window, I'm not only not concerned, I think it would be the perfect compliment.


3. Forest. This is a nice, safe option. It would likely set off the room well and be a pleasant reference to the woodsy landscape we currently live in.


4. Map. Honestly we haven't found a lot of good photo mural maps, but if we did find one we think it would be a fun way to track or travels and plot our world domination.


5. Desert. This is also a reference to Jake's American Southwest homeland. We like the bold colors and the stark shapes, but apparently so does everyone else because this wallpaper is sold out everywhere we've looked.

Keeping these arguments in mind, I encourage all readers to place their votes in AD's latest poll: "Which photo mural theme should we use to class up our living room?"

And don't just sit there thinking, "Oh, my vote won't count anyway. I'll let everybody else worry about it," or, "I've got too many things to worry about to be concerned with issues that don't directly affect me and my loved ones," or, "All the candidates disgust me and I wouldn't be able to sleep at night knowing I had given my vote to any of them."

Gentle readers, American Dresdner needs you now more than ever. Please exercise your right as an empowered user of the Information Super Highway and make your opinion known viciously and anonymously.

If you don't vote, the terrorists have won.



JEM

JEM Leaves Apartment, Does Stuff

American Dresdner: Where the crap have you been?
Jasmine E. Michaelson: Sorry, AD.
AD: You're not going hermit again, are you?
JEM: No, I've actually been busy, believe it or not.
AD: Not.
JEM: Yeah? Well, get this — I found a job!
AD: (speechless)
JEM: I know. It's very exciting. I'm an English teacher at a language school. I've been observing classes this week.
AD: English teacher, huh? You going to teach these poor saps Idaho spudhead terms like jockey box and borrow pit that'll get the snot kicked out of 'em anywhere else in the world?
JEM: I'm not planning on it. I did, however, get to explain to a student today what the phrase "I don't give a damn" means.
AD: What an inspiring opportunity.
JEM: It really was.
AD: When do you start teaching?
JEM: I've been assigned to an all-day, two-week long class full of German soldiers that starts at the end of the month.
AD: Are you training spies?
JEM: Not that I'm aware of.
AD: Just remember, traitors get executed.
JEM: I'll remember that. It would also be good if you remembered that Germany and the United States are allies now.
AD: Oh, right.
(awkward pause)
AD: Soooo ... you seen any good movies lately?
JEM: I'm glad you asked that, AD, because I have. Twice a week this awesome movie theater downtown shows American movies in English. Problems are, they only show each movie once, they pick movies that have already been out forever, and lots of the movies they pick we're not interested in. But on Wednesday night they showed "I Am Legend" and we decided to forgive Will Smith for everything related to "Big Willie Style", "Fresh Prince of Bel Air", and pretty much everything else he's done in his life and see it.


AD: And?
JEM: It was, I'll say, 85 percent good.
AD: What does that mean?
JEM: I liked it, but it would've been better if I was the director. And if the ending hadn't been so lame. And if they'd explained why in blazes there were African lions in New York.
AD: Have you seen anything else?
JEM: In fact, yes. This has been the week of going to the movies. We noticed that Dresden's friendly neighborhood 3D theater was showing U23D this week, so we had to go see it because Jake loves U2. So much so that he's given me permission to kiss Bono if I ever get the chance because it would be the closest he could ever get to kissing Bono.


AD: Hmmm.
JEM: Of course, that was before this movie came out. Now, I'm pretty sure watching Bono's head on a screen the size of a aircraft carrier in 3D is the closest he'll ever get to kissing Bono.
AD: How was the movie?
JEM: Cool. It was like being at the Vertigo concert all over again. But with better seats. And in Latin America. And occasionally flying. And without the drunk girls next to us who kept saying, "This is f***ing epic!"
AD: Sounds like a good experience.
JEM: It was. But you want to know the best part?
AD: Tell me.
JEM: 3D glasses.


AD: Is that beer you're holding?
JEM: You'd think so, but no. It's Sprite. And Jake had a Fanta. Although they had beer at the concessions stand. Not surprising considering you can buy beer at McDonald's, Burger King, the IKEA cafeteria, and select elementary schools. (I'm kidding about the elementary schools. I think. I actually haven't checked.)
AD: Anything else you'd like to share about this experience?
JEM: Yes. We were two of about 12 people in a theater that could probably seat 1,000. That was fun. Everybody was screaming during the previews while we got used to the 3D.


AD: Anything else you'd like to talk about in this interview?
JEM: Well, there are more things to talk about, but I'll save them for future posts. I will, however, tell you this interesting tidbit.
AD: I'm salivating in anticipation.
JEM: Did you hear about the first ever Korean astronaut being sent into space?
AD: Yes. The Interwebs told me about that.
JEM: Well, I brought this up with my Korean scientist English student at a recent lesson and guess what.
AD: What?
JEM: He applied for the job.
AD: No way.
JEM: Way. He had to do all kinds of physical tests and training. He said he exercised for two hours every day leading up to the tests.
AD: Wow. But he didn't get it.
JEM: Sadly, no. This guy did.


My guy totally could've done it, though. He said the main problem they had with him was that he didn't have his Ph.D. yet. And they also wanted somebody fluent in English and Russian.
AD: Tall order.
JEM: Yes. They have to make it tough or else we'd all be astronauts.
AD: Right.
JEM: And nobody'd be down here on Earth to answer the phone.
AD: Can't have that.
JEM: No, we can't.

The Flood of '08

Well, I did it.

Alert readers will remember our apartment's unusual bathroom plumbing arrangement, specifically the washing machine system, which involves laying the machine's open-ended drain hose in the bathtub every time one does a load of laundry. You may recall my expressed dread at the thought of ever forgetting to put the hose in the bathtub when I put in a load of wash. I think I knew somehow that it would eventually happen.

And it did. Yesterday.

The bathroom flooded and I probably should have been electrocuted as I stood barefoot in the inch-deep water cursing like a sailor. But by some miracle (called a circuit breaker) I was saved. Whether Jake will ever trust me to operate a major appliance again is yet to be determined.



JEM

Final Results: Newman Cooler

***DISCLAIMER: The following post contains shirtless photos of attractive men. The photos are posted against the wishes of American Dresdner's primary censor, JEM's husband, who gave her a disapproving look during the writing of this post. JEM would like to take this opportunity to express that she thinks her husband is both cooler and hotter than Paul Newman or Steve McQueen or the lovechild they would hypothetically create if that were even scientifically possible.***

After a heartstopping race, Paul Newman emerged as the champion over Steve McQueen in the first ever scientific American Dresdner "Who is cooler?" survey.

McQueen was the projected winner after two AD readers voiced their support of the "Bullitt" star in a recent post. No Newman supporters stepped forward publicly in response to the post. McQueen also led the votes for several days with four votes. But while his support plateaued at four, Newman's votes rocketed to seven, where they remained until the polls closed. As of the writing of this post, no Newman supporters have come forward to offer their reasons for voting in favor of the "Cool Hand Luke" star.

As the editor-in-chief at AD, I have mixed feelings about these results. Paul Newman is probably hotter. You can judge for yourself by viewing these shirtless pictures of Newman and McQueen:


However, the question was not "Who is hotter?" it was "Who is cooler?" And is Paul Newman really cooler? Let's compare.

McQueen
— Spent much of his growing up years in a "home for wayward boys". (Genuine bad boy. Cool.)
— His absent father was a stunt pilot. (Thrill-seeking genes + fatherless angst = cool.)
— He had a lifetime penchant for racecars and motorcycles. He did the legendary chase scenes in "Bullitt" and "The Great Escape" himself and at one time actually considered a career as a racecar driver.

Newman:
— Also interested in racecar driving.
— His name is now synonymous with organic salad dressing.

But the people have spoken and so I will rest my case.



JEM

It's Better This Way

I'm a long-time hater of the comic strip "Garfield". It might have something to do with the fact that I grew up on a street called Garfield Street and have spent most of my life saying, "Yes. Garfield Street. Yes. Like the cat." But I suspect that it mostly stems from the fact that the comic strip is stupid.

This week I discovered Garfield Minus Garfield. Somebody took the Garfield comic strip and erased all signs of Garfield from it. It turns out the resulting comic strip, which revolves around a lonely, desperate, mentally ill Jon Arbuckle, is at once insightful, disturbing and hilarious. Please enjoy a few of my favorites.





JEM

Sonnenschein

For a few days this week, on and off, there has been a very bright ball of light in the sky. The light comes in all the windows and makes the apartment warm. I've heard the natives call it "Sonnenschein". When I go outside the light is so bright that it makes me squint and is so warm that I have to unzip my coat. It's making my brain release these chemicals into my body that give me a strange sensation. I think the doctor called it "happiness".



JEM