As I Lay Dying

I have a cold.

And while the results of my research are pending, I am convinced it is among the top five worst colds ever to be had by human beings. In light of this, and as my short life flashes before my bleary eyes, I wish to share some thoughts and requests with my beloved readers.

1. Humanity today is plagued with many great and horrific troubles. None is more worth mankind's concern than that of the quest to eradicate the phrase "let's agree to disagree" from the Earth's collective consciousness.

2. I feel a life is defined by the questions one asks oneself. Asking questions such as "Who am I?" and "What is holding me back?" will make us stronger and more sure of our paths. Most of the questions I have asked myself have regarded my current, past and future hairstyles. And these questions have helped me greatly. But no question has provoked more thoughtful introspection and meditation than this: "Who is cooler, Steve McQueen or Paul Newman?"

Steve

Paul

3. All of America's, and consequently, the world's problems would be solved if Jean-Luc Picard and Will Riker were running things. And I'm not the only person who thinks so.



4. My parents have taught me many wonderful things. But the teachings I plan to carry with me into the next life are these: A woman owes it to the people who must look at her to manage her facial peach fuzz (Mom); and the greatest rock 'n' roll scream of all time is at the end of the organ solo in the Who's "Won't Get Fooled Again" (Dad).


5. Finally, in lieu of flowers, I would request that mourners and well-wishers make a donation to the bank account of my grieving widower.


Goodbye, cruel world. I hardly knew thee.



JEM

Anniversary

Sixty-three years ago Allies turned Dresden into a firestorm. And after the smoke cleared, this was what remained:

Learn more about what happened in Dresden the night of Feb. 13, 1945, here.



JEM

Failed FIELDTRIP! to the Altstadt

In response to criticisms that I haven't been getting out enough, I would like to let all of you know that this morning I spent a good two hours wandering in the Altstadt, the gorgeous historic section of the city, taking photographs. My intention was to take my readers on a fascinating fieldtrip to memorialize the 63rd anniversary of the firebombing of Dresden, which will be tomorrow. I took 90 pictures.

And they all looked like garbage.

The sky was white/gray with absolutely no distinct lightsource and all the beauty of the sculptures and architecture was muddied up and muted. And there's no way I'm going to let that be your first impression of this amazing section of the city. So I guess you'll just have to wait until spring.

And in the meantime I don't want nobody sayin' I don't try to take 'em nowhere.



JEM

And That's How Pillows Get Made!

Every Thursday I leave behind my hermit existence and walk two blocks to a neighborhood kindergarten, which is different from the kindergarten you attended when you were 5. Kindergartens here are more like daycares or preschools. They're for kids 5 years old and under — they even have groups for infants. And kids go there every weekday all day, even if they have a stay-at-home parent or guardian (it's not as long for kids under 3). Germans feel it's really important for kids to be socialized with other kids starting very early on. In fact, they find it weird and a little shocking that many American kids stay home with Mom until they start school at 5. They see it as hindering a child's social development. (As a never-daycared, never-preschooled kid I take issue with this, but that's beside the point.)

At any rate, I got hooked up with this kindergarten group through a really cool young mom in my ward. Turns out the parents of the kids in this group expressed an interest in having a native English speaker come in sometimes and just hang out and talk to the kids in English so they can hear how it's supposed to sound. I apparently fit the bill and was invited by the two teachers of this kindergarten group of about 20 kids between 3 and 5 years old to come along every Thursday when they go on their weekly outings. I've been doing this for a couple of months now. We usually go on walks to different playgrounds in the neighborhood. But last Thursday we went to a pillow factory owned by the grandpa of one of the kindergarten kids. And it was AWESOME!



Germans, for some reason, use gigantic pillows, as you can see here. These aren't specialty pillows, these are normal, standard bed pillows. You almost can't find pillows in any other size. And they are almost exclusively feather-filled. But I'm not complaining. I love them. It's like sleeping on a cloud.

I also thought this video would be a prime opportunity to teach my readers a few German vocabulary words!

Kissen: pillow
Kopfkissen: literally "head pillow", but used interchangeably with "Kissen"
Feder (fay'-der): feather
weich (vykh): soft

Pronunciation tip: The "ch" sound in German is sort of a mixture of a "k" sound and a "sh" sound. Kind of like making a "sh" sound while wearing a brand new retainer.

Now you will understand about as much of this tour as I did.



JEM

P.S. You may be wondering why Weird Al accompanied us on the tour. That's not really Weird Al, that's one of the kindergarten teachers.

AD Asks the Tough Questions

American Dresdner: Have you become a hermit?
Jasmine E. Michaelson: Well, hermit is such a harsh word.
AD: Let me rephrase that. How many times have you left the apartment in the last three days?
JEM: Twice.
AD: What did you do?
JEM: I met Jake for lunch one time and the other time I took out the garbage.
AD: Taking out the garbage does not count as leaving the apartment.
JEM: Why not? I had to put on shoes.
AD: Did you tie them?
JEM: No.
AD: Then it doesn't count. Why have you become a hermit?
JEM: I still disagree with the word choice, but to answer your question, it just happened. I made no conscious decision to become a "hermit" (makes air quotes with fingers). The weather's been really gray and miserable and I just haven't felt particularly motivated to go out and have adventures.
AD: Critics may say you are wasting the chance of a lifetime by being a hermit while living in Europe, something many people dream of doing, but never get the chance to do. What is your response to these critics?
JEM: I can't visit museums and cathedrals and listen to street musicians every day, I'm sorry.
AD: Why not?
JEM: I've got important stuff to do around the apartment.
AD: Like what?
JEM: Like sweeping up dust bunnies, reheating leftovers and writing my awesome novel.
AD: I suppose that's a legitimate use of time. Assuming it's not complete garbage.
JEM: It's not. Only about 45 percent garbage. The rest is self-indulgent drivel.
AD: How much time have you spent on it today?
JEM: About two hours.
AD: And what did you do the rest of the day?
JEM: Took out the garbage.
AD: And that took six hours?
JEM: This interview is over. (Tears microphone off shirt and storms from room in huff.)

Minority Rule

The kid's got a fistful of fliers or coupons or something, and he's right there. Totally unavoidable. A German could avoid it. They can look straight through people when they want to. But for a small town American the encounter is unavoidable. It's like I can't not make eye contact with him. So I do and he's all smiles and jumps into this sales pitch that I don't understand a word of.

I tell him he's got to slow down, my German's not very good, and now he's curious.

Where are you from?

America.

(Rough translation) Really? Wow! I never would have guessed! You look just like a German at first glance!

Then he asks me all kinds of questions. What am I doing here? How long will I live here? What part of the city do I live in? Do I like it here?

And then he says something like, "This made my day, I've never met an American before."

My entire life I've been a member of the majority. Majority religion, majority race. Heck, at my university I belonged to the majority gender. But of all of my majorities, the one that has always been the most unremarkable was my nationality. And here's some kid telling me how cool it is to meet an American.

And I'm thinking this is pretty cool.



JEM

My Prophet

My prophet died last night and I will miss him.



JEM